I'm not quite sure where this is going to go. I'm just feeling moved to write something so if you are reading this, I'm sorry. I'm literally just vomiting up all that's inside me. It's been some time since I posted anything. Actually, the last post was, I guess, considered controversial. Let me be the first to say, I don't seek controversy. That is not what I'm about. I don't seek to argue or debate. That is not my nature. I will tell you this though. I seek truth. I am all about it. Truth is at the core of my nature. I say that because I always want my posts to be completely reflective of the Truth that I live my life by. Nothing else is really important. I could blog about politics or sports, both of which I follow, but neither of them is at the core of my nature. They don't hold the importance in my life like the truth that comes from God. What I'm getting at here is nothing else matters except exemplifying Him by who's mercy and grace that I am saved.
So, it has been a tough two years. Lots of changes. I don't particularly enjoy changes, so to have lots proves to be problematic for me. After deciding to resign my pastoral position and pursue missions, I thought things were going to turn out differently. I had made all these plans that I thought for sure were the correct ones. Hindsight being 20/20 I made a lot of plans and they were mostly the wrong ones. During the course of everything I didn't handle failures, rejections or negativity well. I actually handled it worse then I even believed myself to be capable of. I had preached for years on how to deal with certain situations and for the first time in my Christian walk I was dealing with the situations and dealing with them all wrong. In fact instead of turning towards God, I was turning away from Him.
I began questioning lots of things. Did He exist? Does He really care about us? Why is all of this happening to me? It was one big giant pity party and in the midst of it all I was bringing my family down with me. There were flickers of hope along the way. Something good would happen and I would jump back on the Jesus band wagon. Even led some Bible studies during this period. Looking back it was all just a facade. I wasn't completely buying in to what I was saying. After all, I had been groomed to always have it together so that's the appearance I gave.
Now for a little back story. The changes going on that rocked my world started with my mentor and senior pastor getting sick and eventually going Home. To me that was the beginning of a long 3 year process that would change everything for me. After he got sick everything was down hill. Church leadership began changing and doing things I didn't agree with. I felt I wasn't being treated fairly behind the scenes and was constantly under scrutiny by people. I began feeling like I could never do anything right. I felt that my position was viewed as a glorified babysitter and all people wanted was for lots of kids to be showing up. And most of all I began feeling that I was failing the youth that I had been entrusted with by God. By the end of my time I had completely burned out and could not wait to be done. This had nothing to do with my ministry and the kids. I loved that. It was the politics of church. I couldn't deal with it anymore and I needed to get away.
I think looking back and realizing how I handled things didn't help my struggles. A lot of the times I was part of the problem. I didn't handle things like I should have. I would see injustices and wouldn't speak up the way I should or I would react in a way that made the situation worse. By the time I was done I was just hanging on to everything and it seemed like no one cared. I was leaving and that was fine. Missions was supposed to be the answer to my tattered soul. That didn't happen. The stress from student loan debt and poor financial decisions was taking it's toll on Colleen and I. Everything was quickly unraveling. Like I said earlier, there were glimpses of hope that I know God gave us to sustain us. We kept trying to move forward in missions and at every step of the way would hit some type of roadblock. It was straining us more than we let on, especially me since I was the husband and I'm suppose to lead my family. During this time we were trying to put on smiling faces and be at the same church I served. I guess I was trying to prove to myself that my toughest critics hadn't gotten the best of me, but in reality they had. That place was not the same place for me and after 10 years I had to make a hard decision for my family. We decided to move on.
I know during this whole period I had this feeling that people were the problem. That those critics had ruined me. I guess to a degree that was true. But the realization came and was even harder to take. After, making the decision to move on, we also made the decision to put missions on hold. This was not an easy decision, but one that was not unknown to me. I had known deep down for months that it was the right choice, but couldn't bring myself to it. I felt that it would reopen old wounds that had begun to heal somewhat. We made our decision, but didn't reveal it for several more months. During this transition we found Pathway Church. This was the breath of fresh air we needed, that I needed. Over the following months God began to heal my heart and do a work in me. We had found our new church home.
During that whole time I harbored bitterness, I still do to some extent. It has been hard to let some things go, but I'm relying on God to take those things from me in time. The main lesson I learned from this had nothing to do with anyone else. It had everything to do with me. My lack of faith, my lack of passion, my lack of desire to do things God's way. You may think I'm being a little hard on myself and that's fine. It's my sin though. I cannot and will not make excuses for it. I have only one choice and that's to meet it head on and defeat it. It may seem odd for me to be pouring this out at this point, but it is a healing process for my soul. This is my story that is still being written.
The past 3 years have shaped and molded me. I would like to think into a more seasoned follower of Jesus. It has strengthened my marriage and desire to be a better husband and father. It has reinvigorated my joy and desire to serve youth unashamedly without all the pomp and circumstance and instead with the truth of the Gospel, and more than anything it has brought me to a place where I have a renewed passion for my Father God, my King Jesus and Mediator Holy Spirit! No matter what life throws at me, no matter what church politics bring, no matter who doesn't believe in what I'm doing I will serve Him without reservation because He always believes in me and stands for truth and truth has to be what I'm all about!
