Next year will be a milestone for me. It will mark 15 years in ministry. It's hard to believe that that much time has past since I began this journey. My calling is as vivid in my mind as it was then. So much excitement came when I realized God had chosen me for full time service but there was also an equal amount of anxiousness. I remember those that told me it was just a phase, that I wouldn't last and how much that pushed me to prove them wrong. But more than anything I remember the lives that God has placed in my life. Many people ask me if I ever plan to do more than be a youth pastor. I usually laugh at that but the reality is no, I don't. What greater thing than to pour into the youth of the church?! What a responsibility?!
I think most people don't have a clear view of what youth ministry really is. I know I didn't. I think we tend to view it through rose colored glasses. That the youth pastor is playing with the kids again. It's so much more than that. It's ministry. It's difficult. It's dirty. It's not all fun and games. There are sides to it that I never even knew existed and for whatever reason I feel compelled to share. I think it's the part of me that wants the whole church to see that it's just not the youth pastor and the youth leaders jobs to pour into kids and teens but it's the churches job. That it's more than fun and games. Sometimes, a lot of times, its about heartbreak. It's about sorrow. There is doubt, lot's of it. It's about complete desperation. And the only one you can rely on is God.
I remember getting into ministry and thinking, "This is going to be fun 24 hours a day!" "I'm never going to get tired of this!" Boy, was I naive! Now, take that for how it's meant. I love being a pastor! I love being a youth pastor and I wouldn't train it for anything in this world, but one thing most people don't realize is that as much fun and excitement you have, you have more heartbreak, tears and pleading with God for the kids you shepherd.
I think the heartbreak struck me more than anything. I never thought that kids, teenagers could break my heart. I always viewed that as a romantic thing. You date or marry someone and get your heart broken. But the more I have reflected on that as I have gotten older is that heartbreak happens when you have allowed yourself to become emotionally and spiritually invested in someone. And I allowed myself to become emotionally and spiritually invested with every single student. I still do and I will continue to do so.
You may be asking for some examples of what I'm even talking about. Just to make it easy, the side of youth ministry people don't always see is the side of getting calls in the early morning from teens wanting to kill themselves, from teens who are cutting themselves, who hate life, having to counsel them after they do something they are very ashamed of. It's hard when you have Christian parents sending the opposite signals. But the worst for me is when I had to take a stand on something that they didn't like and in response I would get cut out of their life.
I have spent many days and nights pleading with God on behalf of different youth. I have spent many days and nights in tears, frustrated and not knowing what to do. I have spent days and nights with that terrible pain that comes from heartbreak. Still do.....
I think fifteen years into this it's even harder because you see so many of those youth still struggling, still trying to find their way. Many are no longer following the path you did your best to show them and guide them on. It's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking because you love and care for them so much. Even if you haven't spoken to them in years. Even for the ones that have cut you loose. And you miss them.
I know for me, there isn't a day that goes by I don't think about a former youth. And the answer to the question, "do you remember them all?" You bet I do.
Youth work is fun. There are lots of laughs. But it's way more than that. It's a battle. It's a fight against the things of this world. It's heartbreaking.....
BUT, the one thing I have learned in 15 years is that God has this. Not Josh. I'm just the vessel. God's heartbreak over his children way surpasses mine. He has not forgotten them. He has not forgotten any of us. My job is to keep pushing on and proclaiming Christ to anyone and everyone. To teach them to do the same.
Got reminds me time and time again that in the same way He doesn't forsake us, I cannot and will not forsake others. So, whether they love me or hate me I still pray daily for all of "my" youth. I celebrate many of their successes. I still plead with God for some of them. But I also praise God for all of them! My life would not be what it is today with every one of them. I love them all dearly. I look back and think what it would have been like without this journey. Maybe it would have been less filled with heartache, maybe not as dramatic but one thing it would not have been is as full. I would have missed out on so many moments to love and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
So after fifteen years, I'm broken and I think that is exactly where God wants me! In this state I desperately need Him because I can't do this without Him. For a time I struggled with failure and acceptance. I hurt because I thought I failed so many youth. That I could have done more. And I still feel that at times, but God continues to show me that that's not the point. It's about Him and my faithfulness to Him and His cause. If I'm faithful to Him, that's all that is important. So, I'm broken and that's ok with me.
I can not wait to see what God continues to do. Here's to the next 15!
